Bizarre Behavior

I’m going to try describing stepdaughter’s mom’s odd behavior at the school’s meet-and-greet. It’s difficult because a lot of the behavior is contextual. It’s hard to describe, but here goes. 
Upon arrival into the classroom, stepdaughter’s mom was sitting at a desk. She waved at us as we walked in. She began by describing what happened when she realized the teacher didn’t have stepdaughter’s name on her list. To be fair to the teacher, stepdaughter just got registered last week. 

Her: I was freaking out because (stepdaughter) wasn’t on the teachers list! I had to go all the way to the office and check with them because they told me when I registered her that this was her teacher! There were two lists, and the teacher didn’t see (stepdaughter’s) name on her list. So, it’s ok. Just a mistake. But I was freaked out! I came back to the classroom and this was the only desk that didn’t have a name on it. I sat down real quick to save it for her! Oh, do you want to sit down here? I’ll move. 

Me: no, thank you. I’ve been sitting in the car for the 45 minute drive. 

I’m thinking: hu? I actually glanced around to see if there was a mob of kids making a mad dash to get this last desk. Black Friday style fighting over the last desk? Nope. 

Her: oh yeah, I’m so sorry I had to do this (meaning living 45 minutes away and changing schools again). I tried to get into the woman’s shelter (in the town where we live), but they were full. They’re full every time I call! I know it’s such a pain for you to drive here all the time. 

Me: that’s ok. I love my car so I don’t mind driving it. 

I’m thinking: WTF. Who talks about this stuff at their daughters school!?!?!  Also, tell it to the judge. 

Her: oh, I wish I could say the same! I’m so glad my mom was able to help out with the school supplies so you guys don’t have to buy them again this year! I’m sure you have a lot of bills. 

Me: uh hu. 

Her: now, do I need to pick (stepdaughter) up tomorrow morning to bring her to school? 

Me: no, it goes back to the school time schedule of us picking up and dropping off at school. 

I’m thinking: just the same as it’s been for the last 3 years! 

Her: oh, good! I love you! 

I’m thinking: did this lady just tell me she loves me? Panic! 

Me: uh hu

I wander away to pick up some fliers on the front desk. There’s a contact form for the parents to fill out their contact information. She notices. 

Her: oh, I already filled one out! 

Me: did you include dad’s phone number and email address? 

Her: oh, yes! Of course! But you can fill one out too if you want to. 

Me: well, if you already did one, there’s no need.

I rummage through my purse looking for a pen, but only come up with some Chapstick…..I’m pretty sure I was just trying to get out some nervous energy. I begin obsessively applying Chapstick to my now-dry mouth. 

Her: (to stepdaughter) oh, my lips are so dry! They are chapped and stinging. 

I quickly toss the Chapstick back in my purse. 

I’m thinking: OMG this lady wants to borrow my Chapstick!  

At this point the teacher walks up. Stepdaughter’s mom starts to introduce us. I interrupt her and introduce myself to the teacher. 

Her: (in a little girl voice…..I’m not kidding, her voice changed) Kelly will be picking up (stepdaughter) on some days after school. I already told her all about the schedule.  Tuesday’s and every other Friday. Right? 

She looks at me for confirmation! Of the parenting plan that they have been following for almost 3 years now.

Me: uh hu. 

Her: (still using her little girl voice) oh, yay! I got it right. 

At this point, I’m starting to panic. I feel like Alice falling through the rabbit hole.  Also, I’m beginning to distrust that she actually included dad’s info on the contact form. I start filling out the one in my hands. Again, nervous energy. 

Teacher: well, the every Tuesday will be easy, but I may need to be reminded of the every other weekend. 

Me: it’s ok (stepdaughter) will remember. She knows who’s house she’s going to. You won’t have to remind her. 

Her: oh, yes! She has a really good memory! 

At this point teacher wanders off. Stepdaughter and her mom are having a conversation. I’m concentrating on the contact form. I get up to drop it off on the pile of other contact forms. I then approach the teacher again to say goodbye. I ask her if there are any supplies she may need for the classroom or if she had a supply list available. Stepdaughter’s mom had snuck up behind me! 

Her: oh, we got all the supplies she needs! She won’t need anything! 

Me: (to the teacher) just let me know if there are any classroom supplies you need. I’m happy to help out over the course of the year. Just let me know. Also, last year I made myself available on Tuesday afternoons to help out with whatever her teacher needed, I’m willing to help out again on Tuesdays.  I’ll email you in the next week or so, when things settle down to make arrangements. 

She was happy to have the potential help. I made my exit soon after. 

On a side note, stepdaughter’s mom mentioned to stepdaughter that she was going to meet at school in the morning to take a “first day of school” picture. Stepdaughter made a face and shook her head “no.”  She didn’t want her mom to come to her first day of school. 

Meet and Greet

The meet-and-greet yesterday at stepdaughter’s new school was…..eventful. At one point I found myself gazing at the child-sized bathroom wondering if I was going to make it home before the diarrhea kicks in or if I was going to have to “blow up” the mini toilet. That’s a strange quirk about me. I store all my stress in my intestines. Cool as a cucumber on the outside, raging, gurgling, painful stress in my bowels.

 
Gross start to this post, sorry. Why was my intestinal fortitude challenged yesterday? Stepdaughter’s mom. Truthfully, we rarely have any interaction. Yesterday she was at stepdaughter’s school for the meet-and-greet. Great. She has every right to be there of course. I just kinda wish I’d had warning before I got there. D called me as I pulled into the parking lot to tell me she had called and was there. Gurgle in my belly. 

Stepdaughter’s mom is notorious for leaving us out of the loop when it comes to stepdaughter’s school. This was no different. She told stepdaughter that D and I were going to bring her to the meet-and-greet since we had her yesterday. She failed to mention to D and I that there even was a meet-and-greet. We found out about it on the school’s website. D couldn’t take the time off of work, so I was planning on taking her. Stepdaughter’s mom called D right as it was starting to ask him if we were coming. 

Now, if we hadn’t already known about the meet-and-greet, we would have missed it. Yet, she set it up to look like we’d missed it on purpose by telling stepdaughter that we were bringing her and then calling right as it started. She knew full well we wouldn’t have had time to get there if this was the first D was hearing of it. 

Stepdaughter’s mom’s behavior during this meeting was bizarre. I mean, really concerning strange behavior. I’m convinced more and more that going back to court is the right thing to do for stepdaughter. I’m honestly wondering if we should ask for supervised visits with mom only. He behavior was that odd. 

Sleepless Night

I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m not sure if it was the consultation with the lawyer and the impending court actions or the drama that stepdaughter’s mom tried to start last night at 10:30 pm or if it was the dread of going to the dentist today. Maybe a combination of all three. 

The lawyer was really nice and she gave D a free one hour consultation. That’s good because she charges $250/hour and wants a $2500 retainer. That’s a lot of money. It’s difficult because there are so many other things D would rather be spending his money on (me too)! 

After hearing what’s been going on at mom’s house, the lawyer said D has a good chance to modify the time sharing. She seemed sincere and wasn’t just telling us something to get his money. She told us there is a 6 month timeframe for scheduling a hearing. That means it will be February before we can even get in front of a judge. Ugh. 

Stepdaughter’s mom text D at 10:20 pm last night and said stepdaughter was feeling sick and she wanted to stay at mom’s house or be picked up later than the regular time. D said no, regular time.  She continued to push the issue and made a big deal out of it, saying that it was stepdaughter who was asking to stay home and was feeling so sick. 

So, when I picked her up this morning, I expected that we would spend the day nursing a sick child and resting up. Nope. I asked stepdaughter how she felt when she got in the car. “Oh, I feel fine. Guess I just needed to sleep it off.” Yeah, I guess so. 

Lawyer Consult

D is meeting with a lawyer today. He is going to see if he has any legal recourse when it comes to his daughter’s life. Let’s summarize:

1. Mom is now living with a new man (the last man she was living with kicked her out and the police were called at some point).

2. The house they are living in is in foreclosure. That means another move in the next few months for stepdaughter (that would be her 4th move since April 2014, so about once every 6 months)

3. Mom has changed stepdaughter’s school again without discussing it with D. (This will be stepdaughter’s 5th school. She’s going into 5th grade)

4. Every time mom changes schools, she makes it difficult for D. In the past she had left him completely off the registration forms, she takes me off the pick up list. We have to go to the school and meet with the principal with every new school to ensure they have a copy of the parenting plan.

5. Stepdaughter had lice again last weekend. Again. This is the 8th time in the last year. Guess who treated her lice nearly every single time? We did.

6. Mom still doesn’t have a job. She and stepdaughter are moments away from homelessness. Of course, stepdaughter always has a home here.

7. Mom continues to bad-mouth D to stepdaughter. She says it’s his fault that they are “in the streets.” Never mind that mom won’t work.

We we just want some stability for this child. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. D thinks she should be able to go to the same school for more than one year. He doesn’t want her to have to worry about homelessness. He doesn’t want her to have to move again. He doesn’t want her to be placed into situations where one of the men her mom is picking to live with could chose to harm stepdaughter.

We will see how the lawyer consult goes. It distressing to have this little girl who’s going through so much and be unable to protect her from it.

Just Because You Say It

Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true
You can shout it at the top of your lungs, or repeat it endlessly
It still doesn’t make it true

 

Call him a dead beat Dad
Say he’s abusive and controlling
Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true

 

Tell others he refuses to support his child
And that he couldn’t care less about her
Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true

 

Blame all your financial troubles on him
Say he put your child in the streets
Just because you say it doesn’t make it true

 

Remind her how scary her Dad was when
The two of you used to fight in front of her
Just because you say it doesn’t make it true

 

Take all the good, fun memories with Dad
And taint them with your distain
Just because you say it doesn’t make it true

 

Say your sweet baby girl is your whole world
You’re just trying to protect her from her evil Dad
Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true

 

Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true
Influence the mind of your impressionable child
It still doesn’t make it true

Again….

Hey guys. Guess what?

Lice again. Yep, you may recall that last summer and into fall we STRUGGLED with a lice outbreak. It went on for months on end. We treated stepdaughters head 8 separate time in 6 months including twice with prescription shampoo.

We checked heads, combed her hair for hours, washed sheets and towels, boiled brushes, vacuumed (a little-we have hard wood floors) and emailed mom every time. Yet she kept returning here with head lice.

Did mom treat her head even once? Maybe once. She never bothered to comb the nits out. She “forgot” to repeat the shampoo treatments at her house on her weekends and she would not change the bedding. It’s enough to make me want to pull my own hair out!

I’m praying this time it will be short-lived. The rotten thing is, we allowed her to spend the night with a friend on Friday night but we didn’t check her hair until Sunday night. That means we have to send off the infamous “my kid had lice, be sure to check your kid’s head” text. Ugh. If only I’d checked on Friday!

Stepdaughter’s mom didn’t come pick her up this morning, she sent the new boyfriend. So, D wasn’t able to tell her in person about the lice. We did tell the boyfriend and reminded him to have mom wash the sheets and stuffed animals and boil the brushes, etc. We shall see. D will sent a email to mom also (to have it in writing)

I swear, last time stepdaughter had lice, I think mom got it too and they were passing it back and forth. That’s why we struggled to clear her up. When D suggested to mom that she have someone check her hair, you’d think he had told her the world was ending. She got all angry and offended. Well, it’s reasonable to assume if you share a bed with someone who has lice (they did at the time) you’re probably going to get it.

She wouldn’t even consider the possibility. She told us stepdaughter was getting lice because she sleeps with the chihuahua here. Yeah, dogs don’t get human head lice. So, that’s off the table.

Well, there you have it. Lice. Again. Stay tuned…..

To Litigate….or Not?

D wants to get a lawyer and….what? Get more time with his daughter? Maybe he will get more, maybe not. It’s already 40/60. He has 40% of time.

There’s more to it than just time though. Yes, it would be nice to have 50/50. To be fair, he agreed to this timesharing schedule but that was before he knew how unstable his daughter’s life would be with her mom. We were all in a routine of the 40/60 split and it seemed, at the time, the right thing to do.

In retrospect, he wishes he had stayed strong and insisted on 50/50. His reasoning behind staying with the 40/60 was that he gets 3 uninterrupted weeks in the summer with his daughter. It’s a bit of heaven when it’s here, but the rest of the year makes up for it.

So, why now does he want to try for a change? What’s different? Well, there’s several factors.

1. He’s more established now than he was when he agreed to the timesharing schedule. We have been living in the same house, he’s been at the same job for over two years now. There’s some stability in his life.

2. Mom has moved, with his daughter 4 times in 3 years. There’s another move in their future because the house they moved into 2 months ago is now in foreclosure.

3. Mom is now living with a new strange man (this man is actually mom’s cousin’s soon to be ex husband….somebody call Jerry Springer). D had not met this man before she decided to move herself and her daughter in with him.

4. The possibility exists that his daughter will have to go to a new school in the fall. This will be the 3rd in as many years. She moved from the old school’s boundaries, but hasn’t informed the school of that fact. So, she may just continue to send her, illegally, to the old school.

5. His daughter will be entering 5th grade. An essential time for kids to get prepared for high school. The school she goes to where mom lives is “C” rated. That’s not so good. Last year, in 4th grade, she repeated a lot of the same things she had done in her old school, an “A” rated school. It sucks for the kid!

6. Every time she changes schools, we have a difficult time “proving” that dad had a right to pick his daughter up, be involved in her schooling and even designate someone else (me) to pick her up from school. We usually end up meeting with the principal at the beginning of the year with the court documents to back us up.

7. I’m sick of her mom acting like this is her child and she just lets dad see her, be involved, etc. She makes unilateral decisions like it’s going out of style. I would love, for once, for this mother to be told, “no, you’re wrong. You don’t own this child. You must include her father in the decision-making.” The judge would have to be the one to tell her obviously, but there’s no guarantee of that.

All these things and so much more are why his daughter would be in a more stable environment here. So, why not proceed with court?

1. Money. Is it worth spending all that money on a lawyer when the outcome may well not be what we hope for? Perhaps. I have heard it said that the money spent to lawyers while trying to protect your child is money well spent. Still, I’d rather save the money and go on vacation! Or pay for her college.

2. Court is stressful. For everyone involved. I know last time I lost sleep and chewed my fingernails to the nub while we were going through this. Plus it’s a huge strain on relationships. All of the relationships involved.

3. No guarantees. Family court is unpredictable. It’s possible he will end up losing in court. Thereby empowering mom to continue her behavior. It may end up a wash, and a ton of lost money. Or, heaven forbid, he may walk away with less than he started with. It’s a gamble in family court.

Either way, this is not my decision but I will support his decision when he makes it. I think a good lawyer would eat this lady up and spit her out in court. She has left a trail of people in her wake who may be willing to testify against her in court. It’s tempting.

Unsocial Media

If you owned a 10 karat diamond necklace, would you post a picture of yourself wearing it on a dating website? A public site where people go to “shop” for their next mate. Would you share with the World Wide Web that you owned a very valuable piece of jewelry?

No? Why not?

Are you afraid it would attract the “wrong” people, people who are just after your money? Or bring thieves to your door to steal your invaluable diamond? Would you realize how silly it is to advertise to the world that you owned a very valuable thing….and you’re single. No one there to help protect your jewels.

Why then would any parent place a photo of their child on a dating profile? Aren’t our children more valuable than diamonds and gold? Aren’t they the MOST precious thing, the most valuable thing in our world?

Yet so many parents think it’s ok to place pictures with their children on dating websites. Why don’t we fear that it will bring the “wrong” people? Why don’t we guard our children from the dangers that lurk online more fiercely than we would guard a diamond?

It may seem innocent but it’s not. The same standard goes for social media. Do you know who your Facebook friends are? Do you keep track of your Instagram friends and who they are? Does your young child have unmonitored access to social media? The Internet is a buffet of young, unsupervised children just waiting for a predator to come along.

Take your child off the menu.

Lies and Lateness

Yesterday stepdaughter’s mom was late picking her up. Not just a little late, really late. And her mom didn’t actually come herself. She sent the man she is now living with to pick up stepdaughter.

Pickup time on non-school days-like summertime-is 7:15am. Yesterday stepdaughter got picked up at 9:45am. Dad had to take her to work with him while he was waiting for her to get picked up. By this strange man who he’s never met before….two hours late.

Here’s the odd part. D called stepdaughter’s mom at 7:30am to tell her he had left for work and stepdaughter would need to be picked up there. She said she was “on the way.” On the way. Yet, she never came, and the boyfriend showed up an hour and forty five minutes after this phone call in which she said she was “on the way.” It’s a forty five minute drive.

Stepdaughter’s mom said she thought we had changed the pick up time to 8am. We had talked about it and even put it into practice for about a week. Then stepdaughter’s mom showed up one morning, unexpectedly and without discussion at 7:10am. Stepdaughter was still in bed sleeping so we had to wake her. After that we assumed she wanted to go back to the 7:15am schedule. It’s always best to stick with the written parenting plan anyway.

Anyhow, regardless of if she thought pickup was 8am, she would have still been an hour and fifteen minutes late. And she still sent someone else to pick stepdaughter up. Technically, the parenting plan says there is a forty five minute leeway for pick ups. But then what? I mean, in all honestly, we all work and have planned our lives around the pick up and drop off schedule. We don’t really have much of a back up plan if mom doesn’t show up. Thus stepdaughter having to go to work with her dad yesterday morning.

The parenting plan says that either parent may designate another person to pick up or receive stepdaughter for timesharing, but it must be a responsible adult who is known by the child and the parents. Both parents. D had never met this boyfriend before. He doesn’t know him at all. D told me yesterday, as he stood there watching his daughter walk away with a strange man (in stepdaughter’s mom’s car) he was kicking himself. He should have told this stranger, no, you are not taking my daughter, and immediately called her mother. Actually, he did try calling stepdaughter’s mom immediately after, she didn’t answer her phone.

I asked stepdaughter this morning when I picked her up (on time) if she knew why they were so late picking her up yesterday. Stepdaughter’s mom told her she “woke up late” and “didn’t feel good” so she asked the boyfriend to come pick up stepdaughter. Still, why did it take so long, I asked….because your mom told your dad she was “on the way” at 7:30am when they spoke on the phone. Yet, the boyfriend didn’t show up until almost 2 hours later. She was told he had to stop for gas. I guess the gas station was busy….so busy a forty-five minute commute turned into a two hour commute.

It’s such a bizarre lie. Why did she lie and say she was on the way when she clearly wasn’t? Why did she send boyfriend to get stepdaughter and not tell D that this strange man was picking up their daughter? I predict that before long she won’t show up at all. Then she will expect us to make up the day because she “let” us keep stepdaughter.

My Bad

I haven’t been writing much. Mostly because there is peace. That and no time. Vacationing is exhausting.

Stepdaughter has has been with us for 19 days consecutively without much interruption from her mother. There has been some contact. Since her phone was shut off she has no way to harass the child. It’s kind of heaven.

Stepdaughter and I were in the car yesterday and a song came on the radio. She told me that she and her mom heard this song one morning on the way to school and her mom said how much she loves the song. She and stepdaughter got into a disagreement about who the singer was. Stepdaughter was adamant, so was her mother. It turned out stepdaughter was right. She showed her mother the proof. After this pretty strong disagreement, her mom reply? Oh, my bad.

My bad. That’s not an apology. It’s not.  My bad. I know she’s telling the truth because we’ve heard the exact same words from stepdaughter’s mother as well, when she realizes she’s being called out on something that she wrong about. My bad.

Saying “my bad” is a cop out. it’s avoiding actually admitting fault. You were wrong. Say it. Admit it. Own it. Or she was right. That’s fine too. Either one works. My bad doesn’t work.

The narcissist will not admit fault. They will not truly and sincerely apologize. They will never ever own their mistakes. Ever. They just say “my bad” very flippantly and move on with their lives being perfect and right…at least in their own minds.