Sleepless Night

I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m not sure if it was the consultation with the lawyer and the impending court actions or the drama that stepdaughter’s mom tried to start last night at 10:30 pm or if it was the dread of going to the dentist today. Maybe a combination of all three. 

The lawyer was really nice and she gave D a free one hour consultation. That’s good because she charges $250/hour and wants a $2500 retainer. That’s a lot of money. It’s difficult because there are so many other things D would rather be spending his money on (me too)! 

After hearing what’s been going on at mom’s house, the lawyer said D has a good chance to modify the time sharing. She seemed sincere and wasn’t just telling us something to get his money. She told us there is a 6 month timeframe for scheduling a hearing. That means it will be February before we can even get in front of a judge. Ugh. 

Stepdaughter’s mom text D at 10:20 pm last night and said stepdaughter was feeling sick and she wanted to stay at mom’s house or be picked up later than the regular time. D said no, regular time.  She continued to push the issue and made a big deal out of it, saying that it was stepdaughter who was asking to stay home and was feeling so sick. 

So, when I picked her up this morning, I expected that we would spend the day nursing a sick child and resting up. Nope. I asked stepdaughter how she felt when she got in the car. “Oh, I feel fine. Guess I just needed to sleep it off.” Yeah, I guess so. 

Lies and Lateness

Yesterday stepdaughter’s mom was late picking her up. Not just a little late, really late. And her mom didn’t actually come herself. She sent the man she is now living with to pick up stepdaughter.

Pickup time on non-school days-like summertime-is 7:15am. Yesterday stepdaughter got picked up at 9:45am. Dad had to take her to work with him while he was waiting for her to get picked up. By this strange man who he’s never met before….two hours late.

Here’s the odd part. D called stepdaughter’s mom at 7:30am to tell her he had left for work and stepdaughter would need to be picked up there. She said she was “on the way.” On the way. Yet, she never came, and the boyfriend showed up an hour and forty five minutes after this phone call in which she said she was “on the way.” It’s a forty five minute drive.

Stepdaughter’s mom said she thought we had changed the pick up time to 8am. We had talked about it and even put it into practice for about a week. Then stepdaughter’s mom showed up one morning, unexpectedly and without discussion at 7:10am. Stepdaughter was still in bed sleeping so we had to wake her. After that we assumed she wanted to go back to the 7:15am schedule. It’s always best to stick with the written parenting plan anyway.

Anyhow, regardless of if she thought pickup was 8am, she would have still been an hour and fifteen minutes late. And she still sent someone else to pick stepdaughter up. Technically, the parenting plan says there is a forty five minute leeway for pick ups. But then what? I mean, in all honestly, we all work and have planned our lives around the pick up and drop off schedule. We don’t really have much of a back up plan if mom doesn’t show up. Thus stepdaughter having to go to work with her dad yesterday morning.

The parenting plan says that either parent may designate another person to pick up or receive stepdaughter for timesharing, but it must be a responsible adult who is known by the child and the parents. Both parents. D had never met this boyfriend before. He doesn’t know him at all. D told me yesterday, as he stood there watching his daughter walk away with a strange man (in stepdaughter’s mom’s car) he was kicking himself. He should have told this stranger, no, you are not taking my daughter, and immediately called her mother. Actually, he did try calling stepdaughter’s mom immediately after, she didn’t answer her phone.

I asked stepdaughter this morning when I picked her up (on time) if she knew why they were so late picking her up yesterday. Stepdaughter’s mom told her she “woke up late” and “didn’t feel good” so she asked the boyfriend to come pick up stepdaughter. Still, why did it take so long, I asked….because your mom told your dad she was “on the way” at 7:30am when they spoke on the phone. Yet, the boyfriend didn’t show up until almost 2 hours later. She was told he had to stop for gas. I guess the gas station was busy….so busy a forty-five minute commute turned into a two hour commute.

It’s such a bizarre lie. Why did she lie and say she was on the way when she clearly wasn’t? Why did she send boyfriend to get stepdaughter and not tell D that this strange man was picking up their daughter? I predict that before long she won’t show up at all. Then she will expect us to make up the day because she “let” us keep stepdaughter.

Summer Vacation

Summer’s here! yay.

On Thursday we are off on vacation to California for a week-I grew up there, my kids were both born there and my family still lives there. Stepdaughter has never been so she’s excited. It’s going to be the five of us together….for a week. Oh, lord! What have I gotten us into!? 

D picked stepdaughter up this afternoon after work and we now have her for three weeks straight. There was a tiny little part of me that worried about her mother interfering with the summer plans. How sad is it that we have to worry if she will be “allowed” to go? Luckily, I don’t think that will happen since stepdaughter is SO excited to be going and her mom never wants to look like the “bad guy.” But still, there’s that little worry in the back of my mind. Stepdaughter’s mom could pull some last minute craziness. I won’t relax until we are there. Also, how sad is it that we have to be sure we have the court ordered parenting plan with us at all times. Just in case.

We should have picked stepdaughter up at 7:15 this morning but yesterday stepdaughter’s mom text me. She told me stepdaughter wanted to spend the day at the beach with her friend who is moving away (it may be the last time she gets to see this friend). She knew that stepdaughter was going to be going to camp (daycare) since we all had to work and she told me stepdaughter did not want to go there, could she stay with her instead? We hate to deviate from the times because she will take a mile if you give her an inch. D’s first instinct was to say no. But, hey this was free daycare! Plus stepdaughter’s time with a friend who’s moving away. Plus we get to put this one in the bank as a compromise we allowed (sad to think that way, but it’s necessary with this woman).

When I saw stepdaughter this afternoon and asked what she did today (knowing her mom said she was going to the beach with her friend) she said, “nothing.” Did she go to the beach? Nope. Did she see the friend who is moving? Nope. Did she tell her mom she didn’t want to go to camp? you guessed it. Nope again. Not surprising that her mother lies to me to get what she wants. It’s possible (however unlikely) that her plans changed, but why not just say “hey, Brittany can stay with me instead of going to camp” instead of making up stories about friends and beaches.

Adios my friends! I’m off to the Golden State. See you on the other side!!! 🙂

Field trip

Hello Fellow bloggers. Life has been in a little lull on the stepdaughter front lately. We seem to have a good routine, summer is coming up and we are looking forward to three uninterrupted weeks with stepdaughter. We are going on vacation this summer so we are also looking forward to that.

Yesterday I chaperoned a field trip with stepdaughter and her 4th grade class to St. Augustine. It was fun. And chaotic and exhausting. I lost a kid (what a nightmare!) when he took off out of the shop we were in and was nowhere to be found. He was tracked down very quickly by the teacher. He had run off to hang out with his friends in another group! I almost had a heart attack.

I spent a lot of the day saying things like:

~Are you listening? no, you’re not, because you’re talking!
~Walk, don’t run. Slow down!
~C’mon kid try to keep up with the group.
~Why would you do that?!?
~Where’s Jonny….Jonny? JONNY!?!?
~Pay attention, shhhh.
~Don’t splash your friends with stinky fountain water!
~Hey! Less physical contact! (they were hitting each other)
~JONNY!?!? Has anyone seen Jonny?

Again, it was exhausting. I expected the bus ride home to be subdued but no dice…Those kids have supernatural energy….except when they have to walk down the street to the next stop on the field trip. Then they are dragging their feet and whining about how far it is. I was asked, “how can you walk so much? Aren’t you tired?” What?!?! I’m almost 40! A 10 year old should be able to run circles around me all day long!

It was a pretty good day and a nice time with stepdaughter. She has an amazing teacher and some….interesting classmates. One little girl who I sat next to on the bus was quite a character. She has to be in the middle of everything. She’s older than all the others by a year because she was held back. She’s actually very smart and quite sweet, but her personality can be over the top so sometimes she grates on the nerves, but she has a kind heart. She said to me, “I like you…..well, I like [insert stepdaughter’s mom’s name here] too but she talks. A lot.” lol

When I dropped stepdaughter off at her mom’s house after the field trip, her mom met us in the driveway. She asked how the trip was. Yesterday was the first time we have spoken in over a year. It was a good talk….I think. I take everything she says with a grain of salt and I will wait to see if her actions follow through on her words. Since the conversation was about an hour long, I’ll write a separate post. I have to say, I’m cautiously optimistic.

Best Public Schools in Florida

Stepdaughter is now in the 4th grade. In her entire school career, all five years of it, she has never completed a full grade at the same school. Consistency is the building block of a good education. Consistency at home and at school. Obviously, people move and sometimes children must change schools. I had to do exactly that with my kids when we moved, but they finished up the school year where they were and then we moved in the summer. Don’t most parents do that in order to reduce the strain on the kids? Everyone starts fresh at the beginning of a school year. Kids don’t even notice that you’re the “new kid.” That allows for a smoother transition.

In September of 2012, when D and I first started dating, stepdaughter was in 2nd grade. She was this adorable, shy, quiet 2nd grader with blond hair and big blue eyes. She rarely said much, never complained and she would run and jump into my arms when she saw me. She LOVED the animals at my house, especially Princess, the Chihuahua, who would sleep with her at night. At the time, D lived right down the street from their family home that he had moved out of. Stepdaughter attended school near the family home, and his address was zoned for the same school. In December of that year stepdaughter and her mom moved into an apartment across town. I remember asking D what the plans were for stepdaughter’s schooling now that they had moved. He had discussed it with stepdaughter’s mom and suggested that she should stay in the same school at least until the end of the school year. She could have remained in the same school by using D’s address. Mom told him she had not decided yet and she would let him know. She then proceeded to remove stepdaughter from the school she was attending and place her in school near the new apartment.

Stepdaughter’s mom made the decision to change schools before the Christmas break. She did not discuss this decision with D. In fact, she didn’t even tell him she had changed schools until January 7th, after school had restarted. D went to the new school to meet with the teacher and get an edline account (where they post student’s grades), they refused him because his name was not on the registration. They told him they could not discuss anything with him if he was not on the registration. Stepdaughter’s mom listed her own mother under the “other parent” category, effectively denying D his right to information about his own daughter’s schooling. It took a court order for this to finally be corrected somewhat, because she then placed his name under “other contact.”

It wasn’t long after the move and the changing of schools that D and stepdaughter were staying over at my house. Stepdaughter’s mom had given her and old phone to use while she was at our house, but she had failed to erase the old text messages from this phone. Yes, I looked through stepdaughter’s phone. I still do. I don’t think a child gets any privacy. Especially in the dangerous, unmonitored world of electronic devices. It’s our job to ensure their safety until they are wise enough to know how to protect themselves (some people are never learn, but that’s a story for another day). This phone contained old text messages that stepdaughter’s mom never bothered to delete between mom and a friend. Stepdaughter’s mom was telling her friend how much stepdaughter loves her new school, how it’s a great school. She also said she had told D about the new school and how mad he was that she had changed schools, “I finally told him about the school. hahaha he was so pissed off when he found out!”

Fast forward almost a year and a half. Stepdaughter was doing well in 3rd grade at her new school, she had friends, loved her teacher and had excellent grades. After the initial rocky start requiring D to get a court order to allow him access to his child’s school information, only a few other issues, like mom repeatedly taking me off the pick-up list, arose. Stepdaughter had been there over a year, and the school staff were beginning to realize that D and I aren’t the horrible people we were made out to be. It is, in fact, a wonderful school, “A” rated in Florida. Since it was very near an upper-middle class area of town, those were the majority of kids who attended this school. In fact, this school recently made this list of the 100 best schools in the entire state of Florida!

When D filed, and won hid bid in April 2014 to have his child support modified to reflect the fact that he was paying for after school care and insurance as well as having stepdaughter 40% of the time, stepdaughter’s mom became irate. She decided to move away to live with her mother in a town about 45 minutes from our house. Her comment (among many other, unflattering things) on social media was ” Hope they enjoy driving 34 miles 2 C his daughter b/c that’s exactly how far it is from her house where his gf’s house is 2 my Mom’s & as long as it’s 50 miles or less they can’t do anything about it & how far he will have 2 drive 2 pick up our daughter.” Her decision seems more about sticking it to him rather than doing the right thing for stepdaughter.

Immediately when he discovered that she planned to move with stepdaughter to another town, D began emailing her mom to discuss the school plans. She refused to answer emails or phone calls. We found out from the school that she had been enrolled in yet another school. This all occurred with only one month left of stepdaughter’s 3rd grade year. Stepdaughter’s mom pulled her out of this school too. Without discussing it with D. In fact, he had sent a letter telling her he did not agree with the decision to change schools. He begged her to reconsider. He offered to trade his summer visit with stepdaughter in order to allow her to complete her 3rd grade year at the same school. D had obtained “out of area” permission from the school district to allow stepdaughter to continue at the same school. To no avail. With only three weeks left of her 3rd grade year, stepdaughter was yanked from yet another school.

Although the school she was currently attending was about 20 minutes from our house, it was an amazing school and the best place for stepdaughter to be. It was actually about halfway between our house and her mom’s  new house. So, the perfect compromise would have been to leave her there in the same school and each parent drive her there on his or her day. Of course that’s not how it went. No, stepdaughter’s mom was not interested in compromising or doing the right thing for her own child. Instead she made (and continues to make) selfish decisions that hurt her child.

The school that stepdaughter now attends is in a lower socioeconomic area. She went from an “A” rated school to a “C” rated school. The expectations are low, so stepdaughter is a superstar there. When she first started there, she was doing the same work that she had already done months before at her old school. Also, guess what mom tried to pull again? Yep, she didn’t list D as the “other” parent. She put her mother in that position. Luckily, this time he was armed with court documents. We arranged a meeting with the principal and straightened everything out. Stepdaughter had an almost continuous infestation of lice from May, when they moved there to December when we finally got it under control (so far). She had her first “F” on her interim report but did manage to bring it up to a “B” before report cards came out.

As of now, stepdaughter’s mom has moved again. She is now zoned for a different school. Mom has not changed her schools yet, but it’s only a matter of time. There is no provision in their parenting plan to tell them who’s address decides where stepdaughter goes to school and who fills out the forms. The only way to change that is to spend the time, money and stress to go back to court. The fact is, D would do the right thing for stepdaughter. He would not make rash, angry decisions that end up only hurting her in the long run. He would not make decisions to be spiteful to stepdaughter’s mom and he would be willing to discuss and compromise if possible. It seems like the only option is to go back to court or have this child be at the mercy of her mother’s whims. If he does go back to court and win (there are no guarantees) then she would go back to the school that is “A” rated and where she was doing so well, if possible. I guess the decision point will be if she tries to change schools again, because as much as we dislike the new school, aren’t we just hypocrites if we say she needs consistency and then do exactly what her mom did by changing her schools again?

Last Weekend Trade Update

So, update on last weekend’s trade. Stepdaughter told me yesterday, when I picked her up from school, that she spent the weekend that we traded at a friend’s house. That’s right, we traded the weekend for stepdaughter to stay at a friend’s house instead of with her dad or even with her mom (which was the plan).

To be fair, apparently stepdaughter’s mom was planning on taking her to the mudfest but her “friend” (the man they are living with) told her it was an inappropriate environment for stepdaughter….finally! A voice of reason. I agree, it was inappropriate. I’m glad he spoke up. 

Why didn’t she call D and offer us to have the weekend instead of continuing with the trade when her “super special” plans fell through? I don’t know! Stepdaughter missed out on spending the weekend with her dad and going to the Daytona 500. Kinda strange since it was a trade…she gave up 3 nights over spring break. Either way, we didn’t “give up” any time. 

To Trade Or Not To Trade

In a co-parenting situation, one of the mistakes that many parents make is to use the child to deliver messages or communicate with the other spouse. This can put the child in an uncomfortable and unnecessary situation.

Stepdaughter’s mom wanted to trade this weekend (annoying with less than 24 hours notice). She had stepdaughter text her dad and ask him. D told stepdaughter that her mother would have to call and discuss it with him. It’s not stepdaughter’s job to make theses arrangements. Stepdaughter’s mom and dad haven’t actually spoke in months. Probably since last summer. So, it was shocking when she actually called to discuss her request.

We already made plans for this weekend. We could go forward with the plans without stepdaughter, but last-minute trades are nearly impossible for us. We both schedule our work around the times that we have stepdaughter. If we had enough notice we could make arrangements to be off work. So, while it may seem that he was being inflexible, he said no.

Stepdaughter also wanted to spend the night at a friend’s house Friday night. This friend lives in the same town as stepdaughter’s mom (40 minutes away from us). Again, it was a no. I guess it seems mean, but she can spend the night at her friend’s house, in her mom’s town, on a night when she’s with her mom. This is her dad’s time and it’s limited. We also don’t want to set a precedent where her mom encourages her to make other plans on her dad’s weekends.

Focus on the Positive

I haven’t been blogging much lately because I’m trying to focus more on the positive. I really don’t want to let stepdaughter’s mom have one minute of my time or thoughts. So, that’s what I’m trying this week!

It’s hard and I’ll tell you why. I worry. A lot. I think about stepdaughter and her future and I want to ensure she is successful. If I completely ignore her mom and her shenanigans, we would not know how to counter what she is doing. It’s like we’re constantly on the offense. If we don’t pay close attention, she will pull some trick play and we will be left at the 50 yard line scratching our heads.

If we didn’t know that she was trying to alienate stepdaughter from her dad, we may not be working so hard to counter it. If I wasn’t paying attention to what’s going on at her mom’s house, we would not know that she had moved, again. Moved in with a stranger, a man she just met. We would not know, so, we would not be on the lookout for warning signs. 

We don’t know this man and I’m not accusing him of anything, but you have to wonder why a man would move a mother and her young daughter in with him shortly after meeting. Predators are really good at spotting victims. I mean, what is he getting out of this?

Anyway, my point is, I’m torn between the feeling that I need to protect stepdaughter and the desire for the peace that would come from completely blocking it out of my mind. I know we can’t protect her from her mom, but if we have information about what’s going on, we can talk to her and try to offer support.

Sick Day

Last night stepdaughter began vomiting and had a low-grade fever. When she vomited again early this morning, her dad decided she should stay home from school. He had emailed her mother last night to tell her stepdaughter was sick, and again this morning to tell her stepdaughter was staying home from school. He also made a phone call to the house phone and left a message this morning. Now we have a sick child and no way of getting in touch with her mother.

This was exactly my concern when I wrote this. She has made herself unavailable by changing her phone number and not giving it to him. She also changed her email address and told him not to give it to me. The point is, she made it more difficult to contact her when we have stepdaughter in case there is an emergency. This morning she wasn’t home and she very rarely reads or answers her emails. What if stepdaughter becomes very seriously ill or injured? We have no reliable way to contact her.

Normally he drops stepdaughter off at school on Monday morning after his weekend. That would be today. Since stepdaughter stayed home sick, I was planning on taking her home as soon as we heard from her mom. He has yet to hear from her. It’s 7:30 pm on “her” day and not a peep from her. It’s a really strange feeling to be “given” this extra day considering all of the fighting and bad blood between them over custody. I’m not complaining and she doesn’t seem the slightest bit unhappy about being here an extra day. I admit, I’m still waiting for her mom to show up with the police saying we have kidnapped stepdaughter!

When I told stepdaughter this morning that dad had tried to call and email mom, she decided she would try calling. She called the house phone and spoke with her (maternal) grandma. I could hear grandma lecturing her through the phone, but ultimately, she told stepdaughter that she could just stay here with us if she wants to. But that’s grandma, not mom. No idea if mom even knows that stepdaughter is sick.

Letter to My Stepdaughter 12-2-14

Dear Stepdaughter,

Today I picked you up from school like I always do on Tuesdays. I brought in some supplies for your teacher and a gift card to Target. You had handed out invitations to your birthday party at your mom/grandma’s house today, I saw some kids with them. Yesterday you gave out invitations to our party. I wonder how you feel about that? Is it awkward for you to give out invitations to two parties? Maybe not, but I also wonder what the parents of these kids think. I would tell my child to pick one or the other. Hey, it works out for you….you get two parties! 🙂 You’re happy because your school friend gets to come to our house and spend the night for your birthday party. I’m happy for you too!

I explained to you the why reason I picked you up at 8AM on Friday instead of 7:15AM. Your mom must have forgotten that the holidays go by a different time schedule and Thursday was Thanksgiving. You seemed to understand. You were excited today because I told you we would stop by your old school from last year to invite some of your friends. When we got there you told me “this was my favorite school of all.” My heart breaks for you.

Did you know that your dad tried to keep you in that school? He paid to get approval for “out of area.” That means you could have kept going there but your mom refused to even talk about it. She took you out of a school that you loved, that you were doing well at and where you had very good friends. She did this without even talking to your dad about it. She did it with only three weeks left of the school year, your 3rd grade year and she did it against his wishes. He fought to keep you in that school. He considered filing through the courts to stop your mom from changing your schools. He tried to negotiate with your mom and offer to keep you the last three weeks of school instead if his three weeks in the summer, just so you could finish out the year.

I’m sorry we weren’t able to keep your mom from taking you out of your favorite school (and one of the best schools in the area). She blames your dad because a child support hearing went his way and child support was modified down. Yet, she’s the one who quit her job and moved the two of you in with your grandma. Do you ever wonder why she doesn’t work and support you financially too? Why your dad is expected to do all the supporting? Someday I hope you will.

I checked your head again for lice tonight (sorry kiddo) and of course you still have them. You said you forgot to tell your mom. That’s ok because your dad emailed her about it but she either didn’t read it or chose to ignore it. I decided on a different tactic. I got some tea tree oil for your hair. We will spray it in you hair when you’re here and maybe it will repel the lice when you are at your mom’s house. Maybe. Either way, you will continue to get lice as long as things aren’t taken care of there. I’ve resigned myself to it.

Tonight you sat by your dad in the couch and talked to him about the computer game you’re playing. You are relaxed and happy. I’m so glad because at first, you were so distant with your dad but you are slowly realizing he’s not a bad guy at all. I’ve been worried that you would believe all the bad things your mom says about him (and me). Just know this, he loves you very much. He’s had to fight really hard against your mom, and now your grandma, to have this relationship with you. If it was up to your mom, you would never, ever see your dad or me. You dad will continue to fight for you and for what he believes is the right thing.