Just Because You Say It

Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true
You can shout it at the top of your lungs, or repeat it endlessly
It still doesn’t make it true

 

Call him a dead beat Dad
Say he’s abusive and controlling
Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true

 

Tell others he refuses to support his child
And that he couldn’t care less about her
Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true

 

Blame all your financial troubles on him
Say he put your child in the streets
Just because you say it doesn’t make it true

 

Remind her how scary her Dad was when
The two of you used to fight in front of her
Just because you say it doesn’t make it true

 

Take all the good, fun memories with Dad
And taint them with your distain
Just because you say it doesn’t make it true

 

Say your sweet baby girl is your whole world
You’re just trying to protect her from her evil Dad
Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true

 

Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true
Influence the mind of your impressionable child
It still doesn’t make it true

I’m really glad that stepdaughter’s mom and dad are communicating….really, I am. I know it’s for the best. But lord, that woman lies! I didn’t miss the lies, that’s for sure. Funny thing is, she has repeatedly accused D of lying, being a liar, being dishonest, etc. She certainly deflects her own behavior on others. 

Tuesday morning she text D, stepdaughter is sick, sniffles and not feeling well, seems like a cold. D told her to send stepdaughter to school. She has bad grades and can’t miss any more school. Suddenly stepdaughter is REALLY sick and she’s not sending her to school like that! 

As soon as D told her to send stepdaughter to school, suddenly she had a fever and was vomiting. Why did she even ask him if she was just going to do whatever she wanted anyway? 

Stepdaughter’s mom said she had spoke with her teacher and stepdaughter could make up the work. That was a lie. She also said she has an appointment with the teacher to discuss her bad grades. Another lie. How do I know? Later she told D that she had left a message with the teacher but she didn’t call back. Of course not, she was teaching a class of 4th graders! She didn’t have an appointment to meet the teacher and she didn’t talk to the teacher about makeup work. 

It’s insane to lie about this! I want to call her out on every single little lie but that would be counter-productive. We will have to pick our battles and let her think we believe her lies. Sad. 

Shhhh, Don’t Tell

A parent should not tell their child to keep a secret from the other parent or trusted caregiver. It seems innocent enough; “don’t tell mommy we had a cookie before dinner” or “don’t tell daddy that I spent this money.” It happens frequently, but what is it teaching the child? 
They are learning that it’s ok to be untruthful to get or do what you want, its ok to lie to a loved one. Kids are black and white thinkers. Either it’s acceptable to lie and they will lie to anyone about anything, or it’s not acceptable and they will know that dishonesty is wrong. This knowledge will, obviously, not prevent all lies, but in the long run it will pay off because the child will feel guilty about lying. 
Parents often think they are creating a bond with the child, a little “us against them” mentality. Unfortunately, the parent who encourages their child to keep secrets is creating their own problems, for when a child learns to lie, they will lie to anyone, including the parent who originally taught this behavior.
It’s essential for children to learn, early on, to be trustworthy, to face up to their actions and to live with the consequences, which most of the time are far less painful or scary than the child imagines. When they have a parent teaching them that it’s ok to keep secrets and not tell, it hinders the learning of this very important lesson, perhaps permanently. 
Often, children keep secrets because they don’t want to hurt or disappoint. This is understandable, especially from a child, but the child should learn that it’s ok to disappoint sometimes, even a parent.
However, there is a far more sinister reason why children should not be taught to keep secrets. Child molesters use this exact tactic to keep their victims from telling. If the child has already been conditioned from a young age that it’s normal for a parent or adult to ask them to keep a secret, this will not bother them. It will not seem odd for an adult to say, “don’t tell” and for them to comply and not tell. 
Suddenly, this child had become the perfect victim, they are well-practiced at keeping secrets. They have been doing so their whole lives. The were taught to do at an early age by a trusted parent. Effectively, this parent began the grooming process for the abuser.
How about secrets that must be kept, like presents or surprise parties? Younger children should not be included in those secrets either, until they are older. Once a child can reason and come to their own conclusions, not until about age 10 or so, depending on the maturity of the child, then they can be told the difference between “good” secrets, like presents, and “bad” secrets. Until then, all secret keeping should be discouraged.
This is an especially difficult situation when the parents are divorced. The temptation to tell a child to lie or hide information is irresistible to many divorcing parents. Parents in these situations want to protect their privacy, sometimes because they are hiding money, jobs or affairs from the other spouse, sometime innocently. 

While divorcing, avoid the temptation to have the children be secret-keepers. Live life in front of your child in a manner that you are not ashamed to have your child tell the other parent. Shield the children from this harmful practice, especially during divorce when they are so very vulnerable.

Car Seat Drama

It’s no secret that SD’s mom lies about D and I. She does so shamelessly, to anyone who will listen. There is also no doubt (in my mind) that she tells her stories and lies about us to/within earshot of SD.  We don’t even bother to defend ourselves. In her mom’s home SD is barraged with negative comments, stories, lies and non-verbal disapproval of D and I. In our home we maintain “radio silence”. We don’t make talking about activities or fun things she does with her mom taboo. We just make sure that the conversations that we have with SD on that topic are neutral.

Me: How was your weekend?

SD: Fine.

Me: You do anything exciting?

SD: My mom took me to see a movie/to the beach/shopping for toys, etc.

Me: Oh, cool. What did you see/do/buy? Awesome! sounds like fun. 🙂

Why do I have these conversations with SD when I could just ignore the fact that she has a mom at all? Several reasons.

1. Her mom is important to her, it’s natural and normal for her to want to talk about things she does with one of the most significant people in her life.

2. I know that the same-sex parent has the largest impact in a child’s development (but not the only impact). I don’t want SD to ever feel like she has to hide that relationship (that part of herself) from me or be ashamed of it.

3. Someday she may need someone to confide in. She may even chose to confide in me because I was able to be neutral when she wanted to talk about the little things. In this way she may learn that she can trust me with the big things too.

4. It may seem unlikely, but I try to side with her mom’s parenting decisions as much as possible during these conversations. If I don’t agree, I remain silent and nod :). for example:

SD: my mom said I can only use my new cell phone for games after I do all of my homework.

Me: I think that’s a very wise decision. Should we have the same rule at our house too?

Hey, I know single parenting is hard! SD can use all the consistency she can get. Also, it doesn’t hurt me to say nice things about SD’s mom (sincerely) and it benefits SD greatly. So, I bite my tongue even when I know her mom is telling her many lies about us to SD. We believe that, with consistency and time, SD will be able to see for herself what is true and what is false about D and I.

However, there’s a particular lie that I’m struggling with. SD’s mom uses it to insinuate that we don’t care about SD or her safety. In fact, she tells SD that what we are doing is against the law! It’s not, but SD doesn’t know that. In her mind, we are careless, law-breakers. I so badly want to discuss this with SD. I want to casually reassure her that we care very much for her safety and, in fact, are not breaking the law.

Is it so wrong to want to “defend” myself and hubby? Will it benefit SD or be harmful in the long run? I recognize that getting into a he said/she said discussion with SD about this or anything is wrong, and I never would, but shouldn’t I clear up the misconception that Hubby and I casually break the law and disregard her safety? For what purpose? To maintain some integrity in the eyes of this child. In the future when we tell her, you must do this because that’s the rules, will we lose credibility because she believes that we have such a blatant disregard for rules and laws?

Oh, and this horrible thing we do that endangers SD and is (not) illegal? We allow SD, at 9 years old, to ride in the front seat of the car. I didn’t realize what a hot button topic this is! Everyone has an opinion on it. I’ll just say this: I’ve seen a lot of accident victims in my life. Ultimately, if they are properly restrained, it matters very little where they are seated. More important is what type of accident (rear-end, side impact, front impact, etc.), which you can’t predict. Why do I put her in the front seat? My car’s airbags automatically detect and turn off so they won’t cause her injury. A car ride is the perfect place to have a conversation with a child. I feel like we overprotect and infantilize children nowadays by treating them like little fragile glass dolls who can’t even ride in a car without being bubble-wrapped. Additionally, if, God forbid, anything should happen while we are driving, I want her in arm’s reach so I can immediately remove her from danger. I have no intention of fumbling around trying to get into the back seat to get her out of the vehicle if I have to. As I said, I’ve seen a lot of accidents, I know the feeling of terror.

Any thoughts?