My Bad

I haven’t been writing much. Mostly because there is peace. That and no time. Vacationing is exhausting.

Stepdaughter has has been with us for 19 days consecutively without much interruption from her mother. There has been some contact. Since her phone was shut off she has no way to harass the child. It’s kind of heaven.

Stepdaughter and I were in the car yesterday and a song came on the radio. She told me that she and her mom heard this song one morning on the way to school and her mom said how much she loves the song. She and stepdaughter got into a disagreement about who the singer was. Stepdaughter was adamant, so was her mother. It turned out stepdaughter was right. She showed her mother the proof. After this pretty strong disagreement, her mom reply? Oh, my bad.

My bad. That’s not an apology. It’s not.  My bad. I know she’s telling the truth because we’ve heard the exact same words from stepdaughter’s mother as well, when she realizes she’s being called out on something that she wrong about. My bad.

Saying “my bad” is a cop out. it’s avoiding actually admitting fault. You were wrong. Say it. Admit it. Own it. Or she was right. That’s fine too. Either one works. My bad doesn’t work.

The narcissist will not admit fault. They will not truly and sincerely apologize. They will never ever own their mistakes. Ever. They just say “my bad” very flippantly and move on with their lives being perfect and right…at least in their own minds.

Unlimited Resources….Otherwise Known as Working

Stepdaughter’s mom replied to D’s diatribe about the teacher conference (that we had without her, gasp!). She said in the first sentence, that she’s just trying to get along and she wasn’t trying to tell him what to do (Um, yeah she was….any sentence that begins with “for future reference” is not a suggestion). In the next sentence she is saying he doesn’t care about his own flesh and blood and he’s not a man because he “refuses” to support their daughter. Woah there, lady. Support comes from both parents. He works, pays for stepdaughter’s after school care and insurance and also provides for her food, clothing, housing etc. while she is at our house. Which is 40% of the time.

When they went to court for child support modification, the calculation actually showed that SHE should pay HIM child support because his is contributing MORE than his share in other things (daycare and insurance). The judge asked him if he would wave the child support she would owe him and he said yes. Support is supposed to come from BOTH parents. If she refuses to work, therefore she can’t contribute to the support of her child, but he is working and paying above what he should be paying, how is that not supporting his kid? Isn’t she actually the one who refuses to support their child by not working and not contributing to the financial support of said child? She’s saying he won’t support his child because she’s not getting a cash payment from him every month. There are other ways to support a child besides giving a cash bonanza to their mother.

She continues to say she just wants to get along and she wishes “you two” would just give it up and stop arguing with her. Woah again, lady. Does he have a mouse in his pocket?!?! I am completely out of the conversations between the two of them. His messages to her are always his words, his composition and usually not even written in my presence. I admit, sometimes I make suggestions to him like, “you should text stepdaughter’s mom and let her know how the conference went.” Is that what she wants me to give up? Cause, ok. No problem. She made it very clear that she doesn’t want me to communicate with her and that’s more than fine with me. Her loss, because I’m way more generous and forgiving that he is. I would also communicate more information to her than he does. He get a case of the fuckits and wants to get all uncooperative, I try to be the voice of reason and remind him that two wrongs don’t make a right, blah, blah, blah. I also remind him to remain calm and not let her push his buttons. Again, all of these things are good, not bad. She thinks I’m involved in his communications with her because he is standing up for himself and not letting her walk all over him (she’s even accused me of writing emails to her posing as him. Nope). This is a surprise to her because she expects to always get her way with him, as it was in their marriage. So, she thinks when he is being assertive, it’s me talking. I just empowered him to know how to stand up for himself, he took that and ran with it.

In this text where she’s one part insulting us and another part saying she wants to get along, she mentions that we have “unlimited resources” so we should be happy and stop making her life difficult. OK, what?!?! I work for a living, he works for a living. We both work really hard and have gotten where we are by the sweat of our own brows. We certainly do not have unlimited resources. We struggle to pay the bills, we put off going places because we can’t afford it right now, we wonder how we will pay to fix it if the AC breaks down again this year. We work, therefore we have unlimited resource. Fantastic. May she should get a job too. Then she can have the same unlimited resources that we have.

Hu? What’s That About?

So…this is so odd. Today, after I picked stepdaughter up from school she pulled her phone out of her back pack. She began to explain that her mom had been going through some old stuff and found some pictures.

Stepdaughter then showed me a picture of her mom and dad together when they first started dating, before stepdaughter was born. They are happy and smiling with arms around each other.

She thought it was appropriate to TAPE this photo to the back of stepdaughter’s phone case.

I mean, I would never ever begrudge stepdaughter photos of both her parents. I don’t begrudge her this one either…it’s just so strange.

This woman has spent the last 3 years bad-talking him. Now she tapes a picture of them together in “happier times” to her child’s phone? That her dad and I pay for?

It feels like mental warfare to me. Here’s why:

1. She’s staking her “claim” to stepdaughter and stepdaughter’s dad by putting a reminder that she “came first.” Fine by me.

2. It keeps stepdaughter confused and on her emotional toes. Her mom has made it no secret how she feels about stepdaughter’s dad. How confusing it must be to then have her mom wax nostalgic with this photo. Her words and actions do not match!

3. Stepdaughter showed the picture to me and said, “dad looks like such a geek! I think he looks like Uncle Josh (his brother) in this picture.” So, no doubt mom paid a backhanded compliment and continue the bad-talking of him while showing her the photo. I doubt this little girl would call her dad a geek of her own accord.

My ex husband and I get along really well, always have since the divorce. We have planned many a Christmas, Thanksgiving and birthday party together. I get along with his wife and have babysat their children. I would never give a photo of him and I together to our children to carry around. I have given my daughter photos of her and her daddy together when she was little and he was young. Because that’s the relationship that’s important. Not my relationship with her dad that has ended in divorce.

Funny thing, I ain’t even mad about the picture. That’s her mom and dad. There’s no divorce in the world that can change it. She was created from a loving relationship, and it’s good for her to know. I don’t mind that stepdaughter is reminded that, once upon a time, mom found dad lovable.

I still find it odd and inappropriate to give her the photo. Wait, what? Stepdaughter’s mom is odd and inappropriate? Shocking. lol