More Moving

Vacation was awesome. We had an amazing week in Californa! 🙂

Stepdaughter talked to her mom for the first time in two weeks yesterday. Not because we kept her from it! Stepdaughters mom’s phone has been turned off. She texts from a free app when she has wifi but otherwise she’s been incommunicado.

However, while we were in California on our vacation, the man stepdaughter and her mom have been living with text stepdaughter. He proceeded to tell her:

Your cat has run away, your mom came home drunk last night and now they can’t find the cat. Also, don’t worry, but I’m unable to get ahold of your mom now and I don’t know where she is.

I can’t make this up people. He got immediately blocked from texting her ever again. Ever. Not on the phone we pay for anyway. What was the point of that?

Anyway, stepdaughter called her mom yesterday because I prompted her to. They talked for a few minutes (we were in the car). She kept saying, “oh, ok” and “yeah”. I couldn’t hear mom’s side. She hung up the phone and was obviously deflated. That’s the only way I can describe it. Like all the air went out of her little body. 😦

I asked if everything was ok. She said “yeah.” You sure? She told me her mom got approved for section 8, now they just have to wait for an apartment to open for them (I pray they move back to the town we live in for so many reasons, mostly because the schools suck where she is now). So, another move. Their 3rd in the last 13 months. And another new school. She’s been to so many in her school career, she’s an expert. It’s sad. But at least they will have their own place again. That’s good.

Summer Vacation

Summer’s here! yay.

On Thursday we are off on vacation to California for a week-I grew up there, my kids were both born there and my family still lives there. Stepdaughter has never been so she’s excited. It’s going to be the five of us together….for a week. Oh, lord! What have I gotten us into!? 

D picked stepdaughter up this afternoon after work and we now have her for three weeks straight. There was a tiny little part of me that worried about her mother interfering with the summer plans. How sad is it that we have to worry if she will be “allowed” to go? Luckily, I don’t think that will happen since stepdaughter is SO excited to be going and her mom never wants to look like the “bad guy.” But still, there’s that little worry in the back of my mind. Stepdaughter’s mom could pull some last minute craziness. I won’t relax until we are there. Also, how sad is it that we have to be sure we have the court ordered parenting plan with us at all times. Just in case.

We should have picked stepdaughter up at 7:15 this morning but yesterday stepdaughter’s mom text me. She told me stepdaughter wanted to spend the day at the beach with her friend who is moving away (it may be the last time she gets to see this friend). She knew that stepdaughter was going to be going to camp (daycare) since we all had to work and she told me stepdaughter did not want to go there, could she stay with her instead? We hate to deviate from the times because she will take a mile if you give her an inch. D’s first instinct was to say no. But, hey this was free daycare! Plus stepdaughter’s time with a friend who’s moving away. Plus we get to put this one in the bank as a compromise we allowed (sad to think that way, but it’s necessary with this woman).

When I saw stepdaughter this afternoon and asked what she did today (knowing her mom said she was going to the beach with her friend) she said, “nothing.” Did she go to the beach? Nope. Did she see the friend who is moving? Nope. Did she tell her mom she didn’t want to go to camp? you guessed it. Nope again. Not surprising that her mother lies to me to get what she wants. It’s possible (however unlikely) that her plans changed, but why not just say “hey, Brittany can stay with me instead of going to camp” instead of making up stories about friends and beaches.

Adios my friends! I’m off to the Golden State. See you on the other side!!! 🙂

Truce

I’ve known stepdaughter for 2 1/2 years. I met her when she was 7, just before her 8th birthday. She was always a pretty quiet and agreeable child…at least with us. 

During a recent field trip I sat next to one of stepdaughter’s classmates on the bus. The child said to me, “I like you. Well, I like (stepdaughter’s mom) too….but she talks a lot.” This child told me, in a fairly adult manner, “you just have to have one conversation with her and you know her whole life story!” And it’s true. Stepdaughter’s mom has a severe, chronic case of diarrhea of the mouth. 

After the field trip I dropped stepdaughter off at her mom’s house. Stepdaughter’s mom came out as we pulled up and started a conversation with me (the first time we’ve communicated in a year). During this conversation, it became very clear to me that stepdaughter’s mom does not really have conversations. She talks at you. She has things she wants to say and any talking you attempt to do is just an interruption of her conversation. If I would insert any little bit of talk into the conversation, I could tell she was not listening, but instead formulating in her mind what she was going to say next.

I didn’t mind. She also inappropriately overshares. I didnt mind hearing all of the personal information she was sharing with me so I just let her talk away. It was enlightening! 

She apologized to me for being “difficult.” She said, “I don’t know why I acted the way I did.” I take that with a grain of salt. She told me she wants to get along. I agree. We need to get along for the sake of stepdaughter. I’m going to do my level best to have a good working relationship with this woman. With boundaries. That will be the hard part. 

“Getting along” with stepdaughter’s mom means believing all her white lies and stories and not calling her out on them, doing whatever she wants to do.  She wants a BFF and not a professional-like relationship with me. She is a broken human being. She is (or appears) very vulnerable. I pray for compassion and grace when dealing with her. 

The other thing the child on the bus said is that stepdaughter speaks “really bad” to her mom. She’s very disrespectful apparently. That’s surprising to me since she is nothing but sweet here. She is apparently two different children at the two different houses. That can’t be good for her fragile little psyche. 

For now things are peaceful. I’m hoping it states that way! 

Field trip

Hello Fellow bloggers. Life has been in a little lull on the stepdaughter front lately. We seem to have a good routine, summer is coming up and we are looking forward to three uninterrupted weeks with stepdaughter. We are going on vacation this summer so we are also looking forward to that.

Yesterday I chaperoned a field trip with stepdaughter and her 4th grade class to St. Augustine. It was fun. And chaotic and exhausting. I lost a kid (what a nightmare!) when he took off out of the shop we were in and was nowhere to be found. He was tracked down very quickly by the teacher. He had run off to hang out with his friends in another group! I almost had a heart attack.

I spent a lot of the day saying things like:

~Are you listening? no, you’re not, because you’re talking!
~Walk, don’t run. Slow down!
~C’mon kid try to keep up with the group.
~Why would you do that?!?
~Where’s Jonny….Jonny? JONNY!?!?
~Pay attention, shhhh.
~Don’t splash your friends with stinky fountain water!
~Hey! Less physical contact! (they were hitting each other)
~JONNY!?!? Has anyone seen Jonny?

Again, it was exhausting. I expected the bus ride home to be subdued but no dice…Those kids have supernatural energy….except when they have to walk down the street to the next stop on the field trip. Then they are dragging their feet and whining about how far it is. I was asked, “how can you walk so much? Aren’t you tired?” What?!?! I’m almost 40! A 10 year old should be able to run circles around me all day long!

It was a pretty good day and a nice time with stepdaughter. She has an amazing teacher and some….interesting classmates. One little girl who I sat next to on the bus was quite a character. She has to be in the middle of everything. She’s older than all the others by a year because she was held back. She’s actually very smart and quite sweet, but her personality can be over the top so sometimes she grates on the nerves, but she has a kind heart. She said to me, “I like you…..well, I like [insert stepdaughter’s mom’s name here] too but she talks. A lot.” lol

When I dropped stepdaughter off at her mom’s house after the field trip, her mom met us in the driveway. She asked how the trip was. Yesterday was the first time we have spoken in over a year. It was a good talk….I think. I take everything she says with a grain of salt and I will wait to see if her actions follow through on her words. Since the conversation was about an hour long, I’ll write a separate post. I have to say, I’m cautiously optimistic.

Guilt and Gaslighting

I feel really guilty about this Easter and not reminding stepdaughter’s mom that it was her holiday with stepdaughter. I always try to be fair and treat people how I would want to be treated. I know that, if the shoe was on the other foot and we forgot to pick stepdaughter up for our assigned holiday, she would never tell us, but I don’t want to sink to her level!

We should have reminded her because it’s the right thing to do. I won’t let that happen again because I don’t want to live with the guilt! That has been weighing on my mind this week. It’s done and over, nothing we can do about it now.

Also, because of my quirky brain, I can recall details of something after seeing it only once. I know their parenting plan inside and out. Better than either of them. If I hadn’t known and alerted D to the fact that it was mom’s Easter with stepdaughter, neither of them would have known! I’m like the mental keeper of their parenting plan….and she isn’t even “my” kid!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about stepdaughter and her relationship with her mother. They are close, there’s no denying. She tells her mom everything. That’s good, I’m not begrudging her a close relationship with her mother. Sadly, though, it goes both ways and her mother tells this 10 year old child everything. She does not protect her from the adult burdens in life that children shouldn’t have to bear.

I’m sad for this girl who has a very close relationship with her mother because it’s false. It’s a relationship built on an adult depending on her child to be her confidante, her best friend and her “everything.” It’s too much. And when stepdaughter eventually tries to assert her independence, her relationship with her mom will likely crumble. Perhaps she will never assert her independence and she will always be under her mom’s thumb.

I doubt that, though. She’s a very smart girl. There’s this thing that narcissists do called gaslighthing. In a nutshell, the narcissist will make you feel crazy by adamantly denying what you know is the truth and inserting their own version of the truth, usually to make themselves look better, or to make you look bad or sometimes just to keep you off balance and make you feel crazy.

It can be quite easy to convince you that you are crazy when the narcissist is so completely sure of their story. You begin doubting yourself because they are so confident about what they are saying so it must be true! Full grown adults fall for this….imagine how easy it is to do to a child. Imagine how much damage that does to the child’s self confidence and self esteem. But they don’t know any better, they have been taught not to trust themselves. They learn to doubt every decision and thought that they have. I fear this is happening to stepdaughter.

Actually, I know it is on some level. When stepdaughter’s shoes got chewed up by our dog, I replaced them with the exact same brand and size shoe. Stepdaughter was amazed! She couldn’t believe that we could find shoes that were exactly the same as the ruined ones. She had the old, chewed up ones to compare so she knew they were a match.

On Monday, she wore her new shoes to school and returned to her mom’s house in them. That way they could be back at mom’s house where the original shoes came from before the dog ate them. When I picked stepdaughter up on Tuesday, I asked if she had shown her mom the shoes and if she was happy that they got replaced.

Stepdaughter told me her mom said, “they’re cute, but they aren’t the same shoe.” Stepdaughter told me she argued with her mom about it for a little while, but mom was insisting they looked similar, but were not the same. I told her not to worry, we still have the original, chewed-up shoes that she could take to mom’s house to prove that they are the same. She said she had thought of the same idea and we went on to talk about other things.

The next day, I put the chewed-up shoes in a bag in her back pack and sent her off to school (Aside from the laces being gnawed in half, the tongue was just a little torn. I would have replaced the laces and let her keep them to play in). I picked stepdaughter up from school the following Tuesday and asked if she had shown her mom the old shoes to compare. She said, “yes.” So, I asked if her mom now believes that they are the same.

She told me, “oh, mom said she always knew they were the same and that she had never said they weren’t.” Say what? I asked stepdaughter, “really? What do you think about that?” I know that her mom gaslighted (gaslit?) her. I wondered if she recognized what had happened. She said, “I don’t know. I guess she must have said they were different at first but then agreed that they were the same after a while. That’s what she said.” And that, my friends, is how she gaslights her own child.

Easter Confusion

Happy Monday everyone! Am I the only one with an after-Easter-Monday-morning-sugar-coma hangover? I’m sure I’m not, just ask all the elementary school teachers out there.

Easter was this weekend. It was D’s scheduled weekend with stepdaughter. Of course, because it’s a holiday also, the holiday portion of the parenting plan comes into play. Was stepdaughter’s mom aware of this fact? Apparently not. 

The parenting plan says they alternate Easter with mom on odd years and dad on even. The parent picks the child up “after work on the Saturday before Easter (what if it’s not a work day? Or in her case, she doesn’t work? Idk) until Monday morning. Here’s how it should have gone:

Friday was no school (Good Friday). The parenting plan says pick up on non-school days is at 7:15 am.

Saturday mom should have picked stepdaughter up “after work.” Not sure what that means when you don’t work. She would stay with mom the reminder of the weekend. 

It didn’t go that way. I’m pretty sure mom didn’t read the parenting plan. She didn’t know it was “her” year to have stepdaughter for Easter. We didn’t remind her. So, stepdaughter was with us the entire weekend. 

D text stepdaughter’s mom about Friday and asked if she wanted him to pick her up Friday morning at 7:15 am or if she wants to keep her for the day until I was able to pick her up at 4:30 pm. We would have had to arrange a babysitter for her so, it just made sense for her to just stay with mom for the day rather than a babysitter, but we didn’t want to just assume mom hadn’t already made her own plans for the day. 

Stepdaughter’s mom texted back, “4:30. We have plans.” Um, what? I know it’s just logistics, but why on earth did she make plans during “his” time. Ok, maybe she forgot it was his time. That’s fine. Then why say it that way? “We have plans.” Like, her plans are more important than his time. If she did make plans because she forgot that it was his time, why not show a little gratitude that it worked out and her plans would go ahead? Or why not just say “4:30 would work for me. Thanks.” It was annoying, but as D said, “that’s ok, let her think it was a win.” Hes a pretty smart guy. 

Before you get all judgy, we didn’t plan it that way. Should we have reminded stepdaughter’s mom  that it was “her” Easter? Perhaps. Why is it our job to know and remind stepdaughter’s mom of the parenting plan? How long are we expected to hold her hand and remind her of her rights and responsibilities toward their child? We didn’t hide it from her, that would be impossible, we just didn’t remind her. We didn’t keep stepdaughter from her. Had she shown up to pick up stepdaughter, we would have happily packed her off to spend the holiday with her mom.  Normally, when there’s a deviation from the parenting plan either in his favor or in hers, he sends a text to remind her. He didn’t do that this time. We assumed she knew and planned accordingly. 

Stepdaughter’s mom isn’t working right now. She’s in some strange relationship with a man who is supporting her and allowing them to live in his home. I’m not sure how long that can last when she’s not contributing  financially. According to her, he’s “just a friend.” I doubt if stepdaughter’s mom could have afforded to buy Easter basket stuff and I’m not sure if the “friend” would have done so. If stepdaughter’s grandma (senior) was still involved, she would have certainly made sure stepdaughter’s Easter was extravagant. 

I picked up an extra shift at work because it was a day, I assumed, we wouldn’t have stepdaughter. We didn’t plan dinner or  have any Easter basket or egg dying stuff. It was a last minute scramble to put together some sort of Easter for this child. I still had to work so, she had the whole weekend with just dad. 🙂 That was a good thing. Last night we  all went to see the movie “Home.” Great movie. Overall, it was a good, unexpected, weekend with stepdaughter and some good bonding time with stepdaughter and her dad. 

the outcome of our scramble to put together Easter

Best Public Schools in Florida

Stepdaughter is now in the 4th grade. In her entire school career, all five years of it, she has never completed a full grade at the same school. Consistency is the building block of a good education. Consistency at home and at school. Obviously, people move and sometimes children must change schools. I had to do exactly that with my kids when we moved, but they finished up the school year where they were and then we moved in the summer. Don’t most parents do that in order to reduce the strain on the kids? Everyone starts fresh at the beginning of a school year. Kids don’t even notice that you’re the “new kid.” That allows for a smoother transition.

In September of 2012, when D and I first started dating, stepdaughter was in 2nd grade. She was this adorable, shy, quiet 2nd grader with blond hair and big blue eyes. She rarely said much, never complained and she would run and jump into my arms when she saw me. She LOVED the animals at my house, especially Princess, the Chihuahua, who would sleep with her at night. At the time, D lived right down the street from their family home that he had moved out of. Stepdaughter attended school near the family home, and his address was zoned for the same school. In December of that year stepdaughter and her mom moved into an apartment across town. I remember asking D what the plans were for stepdaughter’s schooling now that they had moved. He had discussed it with stepdaughter’s mom and suggested that she should stay in the same school at least until the end of the school year. She could have remained in the same school by using D’s address. Mom told him she had not decided yet and she would let him know. She then proceeded to remove stepdaughter from the school she was attending and place her in school near the new apartment.

Stepdaughter’s mom made the decision to change schools before the Christmas break. She did not discuss this decision with D. In fact, she didn’t even tell him she had changed schools until January 7th, after school had restarted. D went to the new school to meet with the teacher and get an edline account (where they post student’s grades), they refused him because his name was not on the registration. They told him they could not discuss anything with him if he was not on the registration. Stepdaughter’s mom listed her own mother under the “other parent” category, effectively denying D his right to information about his own daughter’s schooling. It took a court order for this to finally be corrected somewhat, because she then placed his name under “other contact.”

It wasn’t long after the move and the changing of schools that D and stepdaughter were staying over at my house. Stepdaughter’s mom had given her and old phone to use while she was at our house, but she had failed to erase the old text messages from this phone. Yes, I looked through stepdaughter’s phone. I still do. I don’t think a child gets any privacy. Especially in the dangerous, unmonitored world of electronic devices. It’s our job to ensure their safety until they are wise enough to know how to protect themselves (some people are never learn, but that’s a story for another day). This phone contained old text messages that stepdaughter’s mom never bothered to delete between mom and a friend. Stepdaughter’s mom was telling her friend how much stepdaughter loves her new school, how it’s a great school. She also said she had told D about the new school and how mad he was that she had changed schools, “I finally told him about the school. hahaha he was so pissed off when he found out!”

Fast forward almost a year and a half. Stepdaughter was doing well in 3rd grade at her new school, she had friends, loved her teacher and had excellent grades. After the initial rocky start requiring D to get a court order to allow him access to his child’s school information, only a few other issues, like mom repeatedly taking me off the pick-up list, arose. Stepdaughter had been there over a year, and the school staff were beginning to realize that D and I aren’t the horrible people we were made out to be. It is, in fact, a wonderful school, “A” rated in Florida. Since it was very near an upper-middle class area of town, those were the majority of kids who attended this school. In fact, this school recently made this list of the 100 best schools in the entire state of Florida!

When D filed, and won hid bid in April 2014 to have his child support modified to reflect the fact that he was paying for after school care and insurance as well as having stepdaughter 40% of the time, stepdaughter’s mom became irate. She decided to move away to live with her mother in a town about 45 minutes from our house. Her comment (among many other, unflattering things) on social media was ” Hope they enjoy driving 34 miles 2 C his daughter b/c that’s exactly how far it is from her house where his gf’s house is 2 my Mom’s & as long as it’s 50 miles or less they can’t do anything about it & how far he will have 2 drive 2 pick up our daughter.” Her decision seems more about sticking it to him rather than doing the right thing for stepdaughter.

Immediately when he discovered that she planned to move with stepdaughter to another town, D began emailing her mom to discuss the school plans. She refused to answer emails or phone calls. We found out from the school that she had been enrolled in yet another school. This all occurred with only one month left of stepdaughter’s 3rd grade year. Stepdaughter’s mom pulled her out of this school too. Without discussing it with D. In fact, he had sent a letter telling her he did not agree with the decision to change schools. He begged her to reconsider. He offered to trade his summer visit with stepdaughter in order to allow her to complete her 3rd grade year at the same school. D had obtained “out of area” permission from the school district to allow stepdaughter to continue at the same school. To no avail. With only three weeks left of her 3rd grade year, stepdaughter was yanked from yet another school.

Although the school she was currently attending was about 20 minutes from our house, it was an amazing school and the best place for stepdaughter to be. It was actually about halfway between our house and her mom’s  new house. So, the perfect compromise would have been to leave her there in the same school and each parent drive her there on his or her day. Of course that’s not how it went. No, stepdaughter’s mom was not interested in compromising or doing the right thing for her own child. Instead she made (and continues to make) selfish decisions that hurt her child.

The school that stepdaughter now attends is in a lower socioeconomic area. She went from an “A” rated school to a “C” rated school. The expectations are low, so stepdaughter is a superstar there. When she first started there, she was doing the same work that she had already done months before at her old school. Also, guess what mom tried to pull again? Yep, she didn’t list D as the “other” parent. She put her mother in that position. Luckily, this time he was armed with court documents. We arranged a meeting with the principal and straightened everything out. Stepdaughter had an almost continuous infestation of lice from May, when they moved there to December when we finally got it under control (so far). She had her first “F” on her interim report but did manage to bring it up to a “B” before report cards came out.

As of now, stepdaughter’s mom has moved again. She is now zoned for a different school. Mom has not changed her schools yet, but it’s only a matter of time. There is no provision in their parenting plan to tell them who’s address decides where stepdaughter goes to school and who fills out the forms. The only way to change that is to spend the time, money and stress to go back to court. The fact is, D would do the right thing for stepdaughter. He would not make rash, angry decisions that end up only hurting her in the long run. He would not make decisions to be spiteful to stepdaughter’s mom and he would be willing to discuss and compromise if possible. It seems like the only option is to go back to court or have this child be at the mercy of her mother’s whims. If he does go back to court and win (there are no guarantees) then she would go back to the school that is “A” rated and where she was doing so well, if possible. I guess the decision point will be if she tries to change schools again, because as much as we dislike the new school, aren’t we just hypocrites if we say she needs consistency and then do exactly what her mom did by changing her schools again?

Bad Decisions=Bad Luck

It’s funny when people make bad decisions and don’t understand why they are having such a difficult time in life. These are the same people who will blame ANYONE else besides themselves for the “bad luck” they are having. 

If you quit your job and move back in with your mom (who you never really got along with before) just to be spiteful because you don’t like the court’s decision on child support, why would you be surprised when it turns out you (still) don’t get along with your mom and you get “kicked out”? 

Now you have to find somewhere else to live because you don’t have a job, can’t support yourself and can’t pay a single bill. So you (and your vulnerable child) move in with a strange man who you just met. Surprise, that’s not going well either. 

Your pleas for prayers during this “difficult time” are insane. Pray for guidance to make better decisions, get ahold of your life, act like a grown-up and support yourself! That’s what I pray for you! 

Peace 

The Other Side Of The Coin

I am also a divorced mother who has had to navigate my own co-parenting issues with an ex-husband. This weekend, the end of spring break, my daughter is at her dad’s house. He lives about three hours away (by car) now, but he used to live five states away. Every summer and every other holiday, from the time they were 8 and 10, I put my precious children on an airplane and watched them fly away to their dad’s house. Oh, it hurt. I missed them like crazy. I cried a lot and I leaned on the support of my friends. So, I understand the pain of being separated from my children. I also understand that they NEED a father, just like they NEED me.

I’m not so selfish that my pain at having them away, overrides their need to have a loving relationship with their dad. So, I swallowed down the tears and sent them on their way. It’s easier now that they are 19 and 17. My 17 year-old drove herself up there this time. She went because I insisted that she make time to visit with her dad during spring break. My 19 year-old chose not to go this time, mostly because there is nowhere for him to stay at their dad’s house and they both end up sleeping on the couches in the living room. Hey, their dad has 3 other kids, so space is at a premium!

Before my daughter left, I text her dad to tell him she was on the way. He called me and we chatted for a bit. I asked him to fill her gas tank before she left….he forgot to the last time and she ended up using her own money to put gas in the car. During her drive up there she kept me and her dad informed of her progress. She knows I worry about her driving that far alone.

My ex-husband and I have always just made it work like that. We get along because we have kids to raise together. He’s remarried and I get along with his wife as well. Do I always agree with their decisions? No, of course not. I’m sure they don’t always agree with me either, but we make it work. I don’t bad-mouth them and they don’t bad-mouth me. When my daughter complains about something at her dad’s house, I tell her to discuss it with her dad. It’s her relationship with him, not mine. I’m sure I could find fault in many things that he has done over the years. I’m sure I could take my daughter’s complaints and run with them, blowing them up and making them a bigger deal than they are. The same could be said for him. He could have criticized me and my decisions. We just don’t do it. We give each other the benefit of the doubt. That’s how you make a co-parenting relationship work.

It can’t be one-sided. It can’t be laced with secrets, lies and mistruths. You can’t be always looking for an angle, looking for a way to get more child support or looking to stick it to your ex. You can’t take every flaw and misstep that the other parent makes and turn it into something to criticize over. It’s not easy. It means letting go of a lot of control and a lot of anger from the divorce. Trust me, I had plenty of both. The divorce devastated me and it could have destroyed me had I let it.

I’m writing this because I know it is possible to have a good relationship post divorce. I know what it takes. I WANT that with stepdaughter’s mom. Have D and I made mistakes? Of course we have. But we do not lie, scheme, cheat, keep secrets, bad-mouth or condemn stepdaughter’s mom. We have always tried to take the high road and will continue to do so. However, it is not possible to have a good co-parenting relationship when the other party is unwilling to participate. We can’t control her and her reactions, we can only continue doing what we think is the right thing. I do hope that one day she will come around….I’m not holding my breath.

Speaking of doing the right thing…yesterday stepdaughter’s mom came to pick her up from our house. Mom’s new male “friend”, who they are now living with, drove up and they were waiting by the curb. She won’t pull into the driveway anymore, since she made a HUGE stink about us pulling into the driveway at her house. I find that hilarious. I don’t care if she pulls into my driveway to pick up her child! In fact, I prefer it. It’s less distance for stepdaughter to walk to the car and she doesn’t have to walk into the street. Mom’s “friend” and D have never met. That’s right, stepdaughter’s mom has moved the two of them into the home of a man, who she just met, and never bothered to introduce him to stepdaughter’s dad. She has never offered to introduce them. She didn’t even bother to tell him she was moving, or that it was with a strange man. It boggles the mind.

She did not attempt to introduce this man to D this morning either when they drove up and waited outside in his truck. So, D walked out, shook his hand and introduced himself. I would have liked to meet him too but I stayed in the house because I wasn’t sure how it was all going to go down. The guy shook D’s hand, and said “nice to meet you”. Stepdaughter’s mom got all flustered. After they introduced themselves, she tried to make an (unnecessary) introduction. Why was she flustered? I’m sure she has bad-mouthed D so much to this new guy. She doesn’t really want them to meet and for the new guy to see that D is a pretty nice, reasonable man. That goes against the picture she is painting for the new man. The last thing she wants is for the two of them to get along. It would ruin her ability to manipulate and “triangulate” the two of them. I hope this new guy can be a good influence on the relationship between them, but I think more likely, she will use him up and discard him like an old shoe when he is no longer useful to her or when she finds someone more convenient.

Broken Phone

I told stepdaughter that her dad had asked her mom to limit the phone calls or texts to one per day while she is at our house. I told her she could always contact her mom if she wanted to or if there was an emergency, but if mom just wants to “check” on her, once per day is enough. She seemed surprised, but agreeable (sometimes it’s hard to tell because she often agrees with everything). Funny thing is, since I told her that, she has not contacted her mom at all and her mom has not contacted her. Is it possibly because it’s a relief to her that she isn’t expected to stay in constant contact with her manipulative mom? Or does she think we will be mad at her if she does contact mom? We in no way told her she was not allowed to call or text mom.

Her mom is blaming us entirely for stepdaughter not contacting her. She thinks we are preventing her from calling or texting. That’s ok with me, we are adults. We can handle her misdirected anger. In fact, I’d rather she believe that we are to blame than for her to take it out on stepdaughter. I believe that’s why stepdaughter is not contacting mom at all too. She knows that her mom will blame us and she won’t have to take the brunt of it.

On Tuesday stepdaughter dropped her iPhone and cracked the screen. It was an accident and it was in a case at the time, it just happens sometimes. Sadly, she didn’t tell me or her dad that she had broke the phone. She tried to hide it by leaving it in her room and not using it for a full day. That’s how I knew something was amiss. Sure enough, I checked the phone and saw the crack.

After all of the conversations I’ve had with her about being truthful and not hiding things, this made me really sad. It’s sad because she has been taught (by her mom) to keep secrets. She doesn’t trust us to tell us the truth yet. We can’t punish her for doing what she has been taught to do by her mom. I waited until the next day and then I said, “you remember how we talked about telling the truth and not hiding things from us?” She said, “yeah.” I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me and she immediately told me she broke her phone.

I told her it’s ok and that these things happen. I asked her why she felt like she had to hide it from us. She said she was worried that we would take her phone away. We had a nice conversation about not keeping secrets (again). I know (I hope) that consistently proving to her that we can be trusted to be told the truth that eventually she will believe it. I did tell her she has to talk to her dad and tell him about the broken phone, that I wasn’t going to tell him. She said she would and I reminded her several times but she never did come clean to him and I had to tell him so he could bring it up to her. It’s just so frustrating!